Its amazing how God can change your own plans for your life into his. Something I learned yesterday taught me that no matter what I think I need, he KNOWS what I need.
I planned on being a fashion designer, moving to California, being famous! After four months of marriage to my wonderful husband, we found out we were expecting twins. We were shocked! Everyone has always told me "children change everything" and that is true. Two children at once changes your life even more. That sudden surprise of twins led me through a terribly long bed rest and a constant nagging worry that my precious girls would come early and have to live in the NICU or even die. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I just didn't know it would be this soon. This places us where we are now.
Tristan is the only one working to provide for us, and he does a wonderful job! He has only been with his job for 6 months. My full time job is to take care of my babies, clean, cook, and handle the finances. With Postpartum Depression all of that is hard to do. Here is where God is showing me that I am not in control. Suddenly going to a family of four right out of college is something that is very hard to handle, emotionally and financially. The girls go through a 36oz can of formula every 5 days. At $20 a pop that is unbelievable! If I could breastfeed I would but it wasn't in God's plan for me. Here is where I am going to talk about something very difficult. Sometimes, in certain stages of our lives, we will need more money than we bring in. There is a stereotype of people who are on government assistance. That they are poor, lazy, uneducated, etc. As I drove up to the WIC office I faced all of the emotions of embarrassment and pride. Almost no one there spoke English and I was frozen. I felt out of place, I was dressed nicely as I always do when I leave the house. As embarrassing as it is to say that we could use some help with formula right now as we focus on paying off my student loans, my delivery, the girls hospital bills, and all the bills I accrued the 5 times they made me stay at the hospital before the girls were born, its true. Don't get me wrong we have great insurance, but it isn't ideal with me not working.
I do believe that the reason that stereotype is there is because many people do take advantage of the system. We have been paying into the system since we got our first jobs, and after we are done with the assistance, we will continue to pay into the system. Therefore we have every right to use it. No one should be embarrassed to say that they need help sometimes. I had been praying that God would sort out our finances but I don't think that I fully trusted that he would. Clearly he needed to show me first hand.
I was sitting in one of the tiny cubicles with a very sweet lady. We qualified for assistance for a family of four, until.... She asked if I received any other income in the last 12 months (lotto winnings, etc.) I wanted to be honest so I let her know that my lawsuit over my knee injury was FINALLY settled after 2.5 years and I have received a check for almost $9,000. But since it was a civil suit it isn't considered by the government as income, I don't even have to claim it on taxes. But I wasn't sure if this counted so I told her anyways. Guess what? It counts. Even though I gave a considerable amount to a charitable cause, and the rest is almost gone by using it to pay for what our paychecks lacked. This doesn't matter either. With that "income" it put us JUST over the line for assistance. I did what I could to hold back the tears that were threatening to burst out (I have been particularly emotional this last week). Even though I knew the truth that God had my back no matter what I couldn't think past the situation. Maybe it was the "Momma Bear" instinct, or maybe because I had laid it out in my head how it was going to go. We are not by any means poor, we both have our bachelors degrees, we have a great car and apartment, and we take great pride in everything we own. We would never ask for help if we didn't need it. Just short term assistance to remove one thing from my plate. As strange as it is I am not embarrassed anymore. I was forced to believe that the Lord knew what we needed and his provision will come from his hands. As my mom, who had been watching the girls, prayed over me I was suddenly relaxed and was able to pray in my head and fall asleep. Who knows how long I prayed for. Thanking God for what I had and asking him for the provision I need. After all he already has won the war. He just wants my trust. I just want to encourage anyone who is in need, to pray.
Thank you for my beautiful family. Thank you for the health you have given us and the amazing family and friends. Thank you for the roof over our heads, my husbands job and my love of being with my children. Please keep me focused on what you have called me to do in this life. This is a great task you have set before me as a parent. Please give me the strength I need to handle the day. I pray for my husband, that you continue to bless his at his job. Thank you for the provision you are giving us. I pray that you constantly stay on my heart so that I will never again doubt your greatness. I pray that you use me to inspire hope in others. Sometimes I can not explain to you exactly what I need because I myself do not even know what to ask for. But you have something great planned for our family, I can feel it coming. Thank you for showing me that I can't make it happen myself. You are always in control. Thank you for being my rock.